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| My weekends have been amazing lately.
The weeks have been busy and I haven't been able to just sit down and talk with anyone.
I feel like you can't really explain all the thoughts and feelings and events that made up such an amazing weekend, yet I feel like just saying "yea this weekend was great" isn't enough. I guess it doesn't really matter though, as long as I know for myself how I feel about it.
I have had some really good and intense conversations with people lately. Some that have just opened my eyes to people and to the future. I don't know if they're good, but they're not bad.
My moral dilemma: I promised myself that if I am in a group of friends I will never talk about one behind their back. Once you start it's hard to stop, and once you do it it's hard to look at the person the same way again. But what if someone comes to you and you know they really need to talk. So you let them, and it is a whole load of crap about someone, it's all valid stuff, but it's all crap, and it's all being talked behind their back. And as you talk you start to realize that all of it is true and so you put in your input and you realize things that you didn't know before. And there you go, you just broke your promise to yourself, but it helped you and it helped the other person. Well is it all that bad? Am I going to see this person and not be able to look them in the eye? Did I just set myself up or did the relief of talking over power the break of the promise?
oh life, girls, friends
maybe thats why i only hang out with guys when I'm home.
oh wait. no.
oh boys
there should be a contract in every relatonship, you can change it as much as you want, but the contract should state where you are. are we acquaintances? are we friends? do we just dance together spontaneously hug say sweet thing to each other and wear each others sweatshirts? what the fuuuuck dude
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| When we were on the phone talking about our weekends he suddenly gets quiet. I ask whats up and he says he was just thinking about us being together.
How do you tell someone that you're over them? It's been so long, and we're just getting comfortable talking again.
If only it wasn't him that wanted me...but his best friend? God that sounds wrong. Especially because he has no idea. He told me that he was glad that his friend visited me but if only he knew. But how could he not assume?
I guess I don't really need to figure out whether or not the situation is wrong, living for yourself against the rules of society or pretending there are no feelings just to protect someone, seeing how he is there with her and I am here. But summer is coming. I wonder when or if I'll figure it all out. I wish I could just talk about it with him, but what is there to talk about. We both know how we feel. We are miles away. And he has his 'best friend'. I've tried to imagine having the conversation, but it always fails, even in my mind where things work out best. I used to be so comfortable with him, but that was when I was with his friend, ha. We would talk for hours about life and families and friends and school and books. I knew I would miss him, but the feelings hadn't even started yet. He would tell me he missed me. We didn't talk for months. And then came break. When we saw each other again. When there was no more of his friend in my life and I had the ability to do what I wanted. And then he told me about her. That was the moment that I realized it. That is when the feeling started. The sound of her name and the stories he told me. And then seeing her picture. I was the first one he opened up to about stuff, and I knew he must be doing it with her now. And then break, again. That took it to the next level. The level of what the hell is this. But we were still just friends. And then a visit. Once again, an even higher level. And an even more confused state. That is when I stopped talking to him. I can't open up to him about anything. I can't be myself. What's the point of being around someone when you can't even be comfortable or happy because you're worrying so much about what to say next. I've never felt like that around anyone before. Even his friend. I've always been so comfortable around people. But the person I want to be with most makes me the most uncomfortable. I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter, that I don't care what he thinks, that I'm going to try to bring our relationship back to what it used to be. And I will try harder next time I see him because something needs to change or else it will just fail. He is even more open than before, and I totally closed myself up, opposite than when we first became friends. It's sad that the only time I can open up is in a mind altered state, we have our best conversations, because I forget to worry. Two weeks and I will try again.
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| A smile is a smile the world around. I want to go to burning man. This quarter looks like it's going to be pretty...different. Lots of reading and studying, barely any homework. Lots of visiting as well. It will all be good good good. San Francisco, Spain, Seattle, Oregon. places i want to go to school. planning ahead is just so hard when all different people are depending on you for all different things. | | |
| In the end people only do what they want to do. You just have to make them understand that that’s what they want to do. oliver herring is an awesome guy | | |
| I wish I had lived in another century. Our century is kinda lame. We need a revolution or something. | | |
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